I think the Universe has been trying to tell me something.
For a while now. It started as a bit of a whisper. Some time in late summer I discovered podcasts. I know. I’m a bit of a late adopter.
Whatever. I’m not sure how I got turned on to the Running on Om podcasts but
somehow I found my way there, working my way backwards through episodes. Early
in that discovery, I listened to one of the regular recurring episodes: Ask Lauren Fleshman. And I’m not gonna lie, it was the birth of a girl crush. I
then became selective in my walk backwards through ROO podcasts, listening in
reverse order to all of the Ask Lauren Fleshman episodes. And I thought I heard
the Universe whisper: you should start writing again Karin.
Did I? No. Of course not.
I had a bunch of conversations with myself about why I’d
stopped. Why I hadn’t resumed. And it really didn’t have anything to do with
not having things to say. I’ve written many, many blog posts (in my head). No,
I wasn’t writing for deeper, more uncomfortable reasons. Reasons with louder
voices than those whispers from the Universe.
Here’s the ugly truth of it:
- I'm embarrassed.
- I feel like a fraud.
What am I embarrassed about? Well having lost the
significant amount of weight that I have, I feel – at least to some extent - like
that has defined me. Who I am. The most important thing about me. I’m Karin,
who lost 120 lbs. Karin, who used to weigh 255 lbs. Sometimes I’m OK with that
and I contribute to using that as my label - as my defining characteristic. When
you sign up for an Ironman race, there’s a box where you’re supposed to say
something about yourself. “I’ve lost 120 lbs” is what I usually type. And you
know what? The crowd freaking LOVES that at an Ironman finish line. And I love
the finish line rah-rah.
But sometimes I feel burdened under the weight of who
I used to be. I was at a party a friend threw
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| Worst Photo Ever Taken. Ever. Like, ever. |
So that brings me to the fraud thing. That’s multifaceted.
One aspect: well that 255 lb woman? I’m still wearing her skin. And so you know
what… no matter how hard I train, or how little I eat, or how clean my diet is,
I am never, ever going to have a great body. I will never be comfortable in a
bikini on a beach. I will never achieve that mental picture I had of what I was
working towards. I will always have a muffin top. Gaining that much weight
leaves a mark; a friend once asked me if I had loose skin and said she wondered what the point was in trying to lose the weight, since she’d just
have loose skin. [Sigh] I understand. But do I regret the weight loss? No. I
regret the weight gain. Big difference.
And so if I’m trying to think a little less shallow - and
point out that there is more to life than having a great body, and that this
new life – all this training and racing – that’s where it’s at. That there’s
value and meaning and reward in all of that, that is so much better than the
number on the scale or the size of your jeans… Well, yeah! Woohooo.... Get on board!
But
here’s the thing: Yes, I’m still training, Yes, I’m still racing. But... each Ironman
is slower than the last. And I don’t understand that. And if I’m not waxing
poetic here about racing and challenging myself, and getting better (because I’m
not getting better), then I come back to all this eating well and exercising
stuff as the means to an end: how big (or small) I am, and how I look and damn if I am not STILL battling my weight. Yup. Currently about 10 lbs
heavier than my typical off-season weight. Maybe more. This never-ending f&*ing
merry-go-round. How can I write this blog when I’m only 110 lbs lighter than I
used to be? When I’m racing slower? When I don’t have that triathlete/fit
chick/super awesome body of my dreams?
But the Universe kept whispering. Often through the podcast Tea with a Titan, where host Mary-Jo Dionne interviews people who are masters of
transformation, inspiration, authenticity, and bravery. I listened to her
interview her husband, ultraman athlete and friend Chad Bentley, who spoke of
his own physical transformation. I didn’t hear embarrassment about where he had
come from – and what’s more, I didn’t see any reason why he should be – but I
was encouraged and inspired by the possibility that his transformation
demonstrated.
I listened to the interview with Danielle Krysa, the Jealous Curator. Who talked about her passion for art and her need to be in that space
(I’m paraphrasing) and who she began writing, and continued writing, even when
no one was reading. And this time when the Universe whispered to write, I had
an a-ha moment about the need to write being about the need to write. Not
necessarily to be read. But if you’re reading, I’m glad you’re here!
I listened to the interview with Susanne Biro and her
admission that she’s afraid in almost everything she does… I’m totally
paraphrasing. I should have written down the quote because she made the comment
while discussing a face to face conversation with Richard Branson, and being
brave enough to ask a question, and I was stunned. I thought it was just me who
felt that way! How she said it was perfect. How I said it is not. If I wasn’t
on a self-imposed deadline to get this posted today, I’d go replay the podcast.
Instead, I’ll suggest you just go listen to it yourself. It’s worth your time.
Then Oprah whispered to me. Kind of. I saw a commercial for
Weight Watchers and could not believe she’s their new spokesperson. I mean
really. She is arguably the most successful woman in the world. And she’s still
battling her weight. This woman who could pay someone to slap the food out of her hand! I’m in good company I guess. Weight struggles: the great equalizer.
And then – since I still wasn’t writing – the Universe got a
bit more direct. Out of the blue this past Thursday, in the middle of a
workout, my trainer Scott asked me if I was still blogging. And he said I
should be. That I had a voice. And things to share that could help people on
their journey.
So I’m back. My 2017 goal: one post a week.
If you’re still here: thanks for reading.
And thank you to the ladies who let the Universe whisper
through them: Julia Hanlon, Lauren Fleshman, Mary-Jo Dionne, Danielle Krysa,
Susanne Biro, and Oprah!
And thank you Scott for the nudge of encouragement. And for
your commitment to getting me #laf. Seriously, make it happen bro.
